Juan showered, brushed his teeth, had another peek into his children’s room and went down to sort out the papers he would need in the morning. Outside the rain was heavy, merciless, and it felt very cold, but after two weeks in the Argentine summer, he felt relieved to hear the pattering on the windows.
He left his briefcase in the hallway ready for the next day and went to bed, hoping Gemma would be home soon. Her having to drive in such bad weather unnerved him slightly, but surely, she will be fine, he told himself, while picking up his mobile. He wanted to look again at the photos they had taken and search for a clue to Gemma’s aloofness, for it had been hard to live with her and please her during the two weeks they’d been away.
At first, he thought she had not liked his meeting with his ex, but immediately recalled Gemma being unhappy before, during and after meeting with Lorena. She had loved Bariloche, he could tell, but had lain on the beach in Mar del Plata without saying much to him or the boys. Instead, she had read, or slept or sat looking remote, her eyes staring at a distant point high above the sea.
This is the only photo where she looks reasonably happy, Juan noticed, and then remembered he had taken it after she had phoned her parents. She had called them from the lounge of the hotel, staying behind, while he and the boys went up in the lift. When she got back into their bedroom, she looked different, fresher, breezier. Her smile had offset her light summer dress and he had taken her picture.
The rest of the images were different though. If she appeared in them, she looked bored, distant, sullen, dark. She hadn’t understood the intensity of his emotions, or why he had got tears in his eyes when they walked past a busker playing a tango on his bandoneón.
She hadn’t enjoyed taking the boys to all those places he remembered from the days when he and Lorena used to take Celeste. Clouds. Shadows.
She called Buenos Aires a phony city and it hurt because by then he knew that her real intention was to hurt him. She had admired the architecture because it was her thing and it would have been impossible not to admit it, but every time they sat for a coffee, or for lunch, or for dinner, the silent had become uneasy. He could not reach her. She couldn’t join him. Mist.
Juan knew he would have to talk to her, find out why when he bought her that bracelet, she almost asked him to return it. The holidays had bored her. The bracelet had upset her. Dining out had been uncomfortable.
The more Juan revisited the last few weeks the more convinced he became of not having any other option than facing up to the facts and whatever the issue was, they would get themselves sorted. What if her silence had nothing to do with him and she was seriously ill? Together, they would cope with any problem and solve it. They might even have another baby, after all. A girl. Like Celeste. That’s what every woman wants, admittedly or not, Juan thought. He could tell that the twins remained a bit of a mystery to Gemma, but a girl will be her most cherished child and they would become best of friends, mother and daughter…
He heard her keys turning in the front door and then her steps up the stairs. He looked at his watch. Too late to talk. But she was home. She was safe. He felt safer.
‘Thanks for phoning’ he said sarcastically.
‘Sorry, I forgot!’
‘You forgot? Oh, by the way, your children…’
‘Look!’ Gemma interrupted, slashing the air with her right hand. ‘There’s no point in arguing any more. I always text or phone you, tonight I forgot. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again’
‘Good!’
‘It won’t because…’ she stopped to take a deep breath and then she said ‘Actually, Juan, I don’t want to live with you anymore. I’m leaving you’
He sat up, his naked body started shivering. His throat burnt like a fire. He was speechless.
‘I’ve been meaning to tell you for some time, but first there was Celeste visiting us, then the holidays. I went along because the boys were so excited! And I was happy for you to go and see your ex-wife… sort things out with her, with your past… get rid of your guilt…’
‘Gemma. Gemma, what are you saying?’
‘I’m moving out. Haven’t got a place yet but I can go and stay with a friend in the meantime if you want me to leave at once’
Juan felt his heart sinking, tearing his chest apart and going numb. Standing by their bed, naked and trembling, he looked at the love of his life drifting away from him and he felt dead.
‘Is there…?’
‘I’ve been seeing someone else’
‘It doesn’t matter. I forgive you. It’s alright. Let’s forget about it and start afresh’
‘I’ll be moving out with him. I love him’
‘Love him? You love ME, Gemma! Please, don’t… How about the boys? Please!’
‘I’ll take them with me but we’ll have to agree about things’ she said matter of fact.
He sat down, holding his head in his hands, images of their life together racing through his mind. Thunder. Tempest.
‘I think I’d better leave in the morning’ Gemma announced.
‘You can’t! We need to talk this through. We must!’ He jumped and seized her by her shoulders and shook her. ‘You can’t leave me, you can’t! His voice sounded louder and louder in his ears as he pleaded while she wrestled in his arms to break free of his hold.
‘You’re hurting me!’
He turned her round and crossed her arms over her chest, pushing her onto the bed and falling on top of her.
‘What has he done to you? Has he touched you here? Has he fucked you day and night the way I…?’ Juan struggled with her skirt as he held her head pressed down onto the quilt and Gemma kicked him on his shin. He felt the stabbing pain, but didn’t stop.
‘There, tell me. Has he done all this to you? And what have you given him? Show me! Show me what you do to your lover! Show me!’ He shouted as Gemma cried in pain and humiliation.
In the morning Gemma’s voice reached him from the next room as she woke up the twins. He heard Jack saying You look sleepy, Mummy and Gemma said she was. Gus didn’t believe her and told her she looked like she’d been crying. Juan remained in his study, wrapped up in a quilt. He had spent the night there, agonizing, hating himself for what he’d done, sobbing endlessly at the prospect of seeing his beloved Gemma walking out of his life. The world they had created and inhabited for six blissful years was no more. His happiness had helped him to forgive himself for walking away from Lorena and Celeste.
He phoned his office and told Louise he was sick. Then Gemma’s mobile rang and he heard her talking in a quiet voice, confirming she’d done it, and then the mention of a solicitor, and then something about being a wife. Or someone’s wife. Or his wife. Then something about a daughter. About children. Their children, but he didn’t understand.
There’s no other way, he thought. He waited for Gemma to take the children to school before rushing to their bedroom, but it was locked. He went downstairs into the laundry room where in a basket he found some jeans and t-shirts waiting to be ironed and put them on.
‘Mrs del Prado wants you to go out before she’s back’
He hadn’t noticed the cleaner sitting at the kitchen table, finishing her breakfast until she spoke. He didn’t answer. His house was hardly recognizable to him, as if every familiar space he knew so well had suddenly changed, altered its shape, layout, colour…
‘Want some cereal?’ Felipa asked as if she had taken possession of the house and he were a stranger, not even her guest. ‘You’re shivering’
It was the only sensation of which he was aware, being cold. Being desperately cold. He took the mug of coffee Felipa put into his hands but didn’t drink it for he wasn’t sure he could take the mug up to his lips without dropping it. He walked into the cloakroom, put on his jacket and left, without a single word, without looking back into his home. The blast of cold air subsided as he closed the door behind him.
Outside, the rain kept falling like a curse.
I could hear Juan's heart thumping..... Where is he off to I 🤔